I've always known I wanted to be a mother. When we got married we made a plan (aka the spreadsheet) and laid out all the goals we wanted to reach before we would start trying. The highest on that list was to pay off our house, which we did last year. Then it was paying off his student loans, which we also did last year. Then it was saving up to afford the "start-up" costs of the first baby, which we reached earlier this year. Then it was going on our Alaska Cruise, which we did in June. Finally, we were at a place where we were ready!
FINDING OUT
I knew pretty early that I was pregnant. I just had a feeling. But since we hadn't been trying long, I told myself it was way too early for that. I didn't tell Auston what I was feeling just in case I was wrong. I waited almost 2 full more weeks and one night after we were done watching The Office for the night, I grabbed a test. The box said to wait 3 minutes, I set a timer for 5 on my phone and laid it on the floor next to the upside down test. Those 5 minutes were simultaneously the longest and fastest minutes of my life.
My alarm sounded and the minutes were up. I could have sat there forever not having the courage to turn it over but I did... PREGNANT. My mind started racing with emotions, most of all disbelief!
I had so many plans to surprise Auston with the news — but I just couldn't wait. I walked out of the bathroom and just handed it to him. He stared at it with disbelief just as I did. We were both in such shock that we were tentative to get excited. You can see his crazy face in the photo below that was taken about 10 minutes after I told him. Looking back it's hilarious because you think of so many fun, cute ways you're going to react when in reality you have no clue until it's right in front of you.
WEEKS 3-8
At that point I was somewhere around 3-4 weeks and wasn't feeling anything different. Knowing that you are growing a human inside you but not feeling anything is a super weird sensation. I should have been thankful for those 2 "un-feeling" weeks because Week 6 came and it all hit me. I'm not sure why they call it morning sickness because I was feeling it all day long. The pure exhaustion was overwhelming, I could feel my body pumping twice the amount of blood, I experienced heartburn for the first time and could hardly eat anything because the nausea and ensuing vomiting was so extreme. My sense of smell skyrocketed and every single smells was a trigger to throw up. The sheer muscle/joint/back pain from all the hormones kept me from accomplishing anything. Most days I would get home and just lay on the couch until I had to go to work the next day because I couldn't move.
I also have whats called "dysgeusia" which is basically when hormones change your saliva and there's a constant horrible (almost metal-ish) taste in your mouth. Many times I threw up was just because that taste in my mouth was so awful. One of the worst symptoms was not being able to drink water because of the severe heartburn. I had to drink juice or lemonade, pretty much anything other than water. I lost about 10lbs between Week 6 and when I had my OB appointment at Week 9. I was worried I'd be diagnosed with hyperemesis gravidarum (HG) my because my weight had dropped about 7%.
CONFIRMATION APPOINTMENT
An eternity passed and it finally came time to have our confirmation appointment where they would do a blood test and an ultrasound to confirm the pregnancy. I was still not getting my hopes up but almost instantly, a small baby bean popped up on the screen. It was actually huge, I was expecting it to look like, well a bean or dinosaur. It looked like a full on baby with a head, legs, arms, and hands. Then she turned on the heartbeat and it was loud. That was the moment it became real to me, that there was actually a growing human in there. She said it looked like it was 9-10 weeks. To my surprise, she said I didn't have HG since I wasn't dehydrated (surprisingly), could keep food in the afternoon down (even if it was only pizza or junk food), and had semi-stopped losing weight. She printed out the ultrasound photos and just like that it was over. I made my next appointment with the actual OB for another 5 weeks out.
The nurse told me to take some off-brand meds for the nausea because the big brand, called Diclegis, is very expensive and isn't covered by insurance. Luckily, my OB had some samples that I took to see if it helped before I could get my hands on the "off-brand". It was a miracle worker and I felt like I went from 10% functionality to almost 80%.
WEEK 14 APPOINTMENT
I purposely stopped taking the Diclegis the morning of my appointment to see if I was actually feeling better or if it was the medicine...it was the medicine. I woke up and immediately fell back down to 10%. I talked with my OB about it and she suggested to try the off-brand before we dished out $400+ for the uninsured Diclegis. So she sent the prescription to our pharmacy just in case the off-brand didn't work. I took the off-brand as I went to bed so I could wake up with the meds in my system. I woke up...back to 10%. I was so frustrated the off-brand didn't work but we told ourselves we would give it 2-3 days to start working.
I suffered through Monday, and barely made it through Tuesday as I threw up 6 times and couldn't keep anything down (which had never happened before). Tuesday night I had an emotional heart to heart with God because I just couldn't live like this any longer. I realized the weeks of fatigue/hunger/vomiting/pain were getting to me mentally when I started googling "prenatal depression".
I was ready to pay anything to not feel like I was dying. But before I broke down and went to the pharmacy, I was going to make sure that I tried everything possible before getting the Diclegis. I double checked the off-brands I was taking... and I was taking the wrong bleeping off-brands.
Once I realized it, I literally jumped in the car and ran to Walgreens and got the right off-brand. I would give it one try and if it didn't work I would break down and get the expensive stuff.
Wednesday morning, my eyes open... and I knew the medicine worked. I laid there for 30 minutes with tears of joy just so grateful we didn't have to get the expensive brand. I felt like eating again (or even thinking about eating), like I could go to work and not be a zombie, like I could find my way back to being myself. It was a literal answer to prayer.
WEEK 15-16
And here we are! I'm feeling marginally better as I continue to take the medicine and my energy is slowly coming back. Thankfully water is slowly becoming something I can drink again. I had a whole bottle yesterday with no heartburn. I'm starting to get my appetite back and thinking about eating healthy doesn't make me cringe anymore.
I'm glad we waited so long to announce it to everyone until we did because I wasn't in such a negative spot I couldn't even share the news and be happy with people in those first 12 weeks. It's hard to understand, and even harder to explain, but I'm just glad to know I'm not the only one who has gone through a really rough first trimester. I reached out to one of my friends Amy of LittlexLittle when I saw her first trimester was almost identical to my struggles and she gave me a lot of encouragement as I was experiencing it. Just knowing that you aren't the only one going through something means so much.
Now I'm starting to not just know in my head that I'm excited but actually feel excited. I can sit in the nursery and think about all the memories we're going to make. A few weeks ago I couldn't even conceive of feeling anything positive again. All the words of encouragement from you guys mean more than you know, I've said it a million times but this community really is the best. I hope a little of what I shared will give someone else the encouragement like Amy's post did for me. Just knowing someone else has experienced the same thing and survived. I'm ready to take on Week 17!
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